Dealing with telemarketers.

About three months ago I put myself on the ADMA’s ‘do not call’ list. This is supposed to prevent telemarketers from calling my house. It hasn’t fricking worked. Most afternoons I get bombarded by people offering me free holidays, free mobile phones and free mortgage advice. As we all know, there’s not much in this world that comes for free so I politely decline their generous offerings and hang up.

Over the last 3 months or so I have changed my method of dealing with telemarketers. I don’t hang up. No more will I be the first to slam down the telephone handset. You see, these telemarketers are just doing their job and nobody deserves to be treated with disrespect while performing their job. It’s their livelihood. I wouldn’t want someone abusing me or being nasty in my daily dealings.

So this is how I tackle it.

This afternoon…

Me: Hello.
Her: Hello. Is that Mr. Collins (in a delightful Indian accent – I’m not being sarcastic there, I love Indian people).
Me: (even though that is my name, I answer) No. You must have the wrong number. Sorry.
Her: Is this 03 XXXX XXXX?
Me: Yes.
Her: So you are Mr. Collins?
Me: No. You must have the wrong number.
Her: Ok. Anyway, your number has been chosen to receive a new Nokia mobile phone.
Me: But I already have a Nokia mobile phone.
Her: It is an offer for…
Me: Are you in India?
Her: Yes.
Me: What’s the time over there?
Her: About 830am sir.
Me: Is it sunny?
Her: Yes. But it is a little bit smoggy.
Me: Oh that’s terrible. Is it hot? Because I love hot weather.
Her: Yes. I have an offer for a new Nokia mobile phone for only…
Me: I already have a mobile phone. Are you offering me Mr. Collins’ mobile phone? That’s not right.
Her: If you’ll let me finish sir…
Me: But you wanted Mr. Collins and now you are trying to sell me his phone.
Her: No sir you don’t understand. Your NUMBER has been chosen to receive a new mobile phone.
Me: But I already have one. Thank you. (followed by 3 or 4 seconds of silence)
Her: Thank you sir.

She hangs up…

Yesterday afternoon…

Me: Hello! (I shouted Hello – sometimes I answer the phone in an unorthodox fashion)
Him: Hi!
Me: Hi! Hello! Bonjour!
Him: I’m John from Trendwest and I have an offer for a free 10 night holiday at Noosa.
Me: Can I use it during the daytime as well or do I have to fly back to Melbourne during the day because you just said it was for 10 nights?
Him: No (he laughs), 10 nights in this case means 11 days and 10 nights.
Me: How does that work? I mean, there’s a day and a night in each day?
Him: You miss an extra night because you have to return home…
Me: Ahhh, so I have to cross the international date line. I get it. Sorry. Carry on.
Him: No. Noosa is in Queensland.
Me: Queensland? Where’s that?
Him: (clears his throat)
Me: I’m not going if it’s anywhere near Bali.
Him: It’s nowhere near Bali mate.
Me: That’s a relief.
Him: Are you still interested?
Me: In what?
Him: A free holiday to Noosa for 10 nights…and 11 days.
Me: Do I have to pay anything?
Him: No, you simply need to come along to a 90 minute presentation on the advantages of timeshare accomodation presented by…
Me: So does that mean that when I go to Noosa for 10 nights, someone from Noosa comes to my place and has a holiday here in Melbourne? Because I have a cat and they’ll need to remember to feed it or I won’t let them stay.
Him: Ok. Thank you, I’d better go now. I have more calls to make.
Me: Thanks very much.
Him: Thanks. Bye.

He hangs up…

Just remember. Be nice and have a quick wit. It doesn’t have to be a clever wit, just quick. No umms. No ahhs. Just be over-friendly and come out with nonsense and/or stupidity. They will hang up first and never ring you back because you will be put on THEIR ‘do not call’ list. A while ago I gave some tips on how to avoid jury duty as well. Try it sometime.