Archive for April, 2003

mother is the invention of necessity

Crikey! It’s my third day back to work after a 2 week break and I’m finding it damn hard to get going again. After a holiday I normally come back recharged and ready for anything at work. Not these days. Since I’m now married maybe I can convince the mrs. to let me be a house husband. I could handle that.

Via my university’s student newspaper, Rabelais, comes a cool site featuring graffiti, posters and stencils. Cleansurface.org. This is my personal favourite.

I’ve seen it in Carlton and Richmond but they (local councils) removed it very quickly. I can understand why I suppose.

back to normality

Well, I’m back in Melbourne now after a little over two weeks away in Byron Bay. I bloody well needed the break I can tell you that much. Byron Bay has changed so much since I was last there in 1995. Eight years after my last visit there still isn’t any highrise development but by christ there’s many more people going there than I expected. The Blues Festival was on, which added a few thousand more people to the streets over Easter. There also seemed to be a large influx of American backpackers as well. GOD they are loud.

Probably the weirdest moment of my holiday happened yesterday while I was waiting in the Virgin departure lounge at Brisbane Airport. Normally there is CNN or something on the television sets in the lounges. Yesterday morning they had channel nine on and The Thunderbirds were dealing with a hijacked aeroplane which eventally crash landed and blew up. Everyone was pissing themselves laughing in the departure lounge, save a few concerned people who didn’t see anything humourous about a model plane being hijacked by a wooden puppet.

Oh, and Richmond staged the biggest come-from-behind victory in thier history yesterday against the evil Hawthorn. My team has won, I’ve just married, I’ve had 2 wonderful weeks of holidays, I’m going to have a good week I reckon (except for the 40 or so hours of work I have to perform).

how do I do this again?

As I sit here on my mother’s computer in Brisbane I am finding it hard to type. I’ve forgotten how a keyboard is laid out and also couldn’t remember my password to login to Moveable Type and bang out this entry.

Yeah. The wedding went without a hiccup and as for the reception, only 2 of 45 people remember going home. I suppose that means it was a success. Also about one third of all invited guests reported morning after injuries or UDI’s (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). Basically it was a fantastic day. Simple, smallish and very enjoyable. A day to remember.

Byron Bay hosted the honeymoon. I’ll write about that later when I get back to Melbourne. I must go now as my father is making the most out of my fleeting visit to Brisbane. Yep, he’s got me removing dead palm tree stumps from his backyard - a fantastic way to end a magnificent fortnight.

liberate antarctica!

What if FOX news was around to cover other historical events? This link is graphics heavy. If you don’t have broadband click on it and go for a 10km jog! It’s worth the wait though. Farking hilarious!

I’ll be off the air for a while because I’m attending a wedding on Saturday.

Mine! (yes, yes. Sorry love. Ours)

eggs with soldiers

Do toy shops still sell toy soldiers? I haven’t been into a toy shop for one and a half decades now and am out of touch. It wouldn’t surprise me if some PC type has banned them by now.

I can remember having them bought for me when I was little along with a few plastic artillery pieces and tanks. I used to sit in a dirt pile out in the backyard and have my plastic soldiers fight over which dirt was theirs. That was until I made a new friend in Grade One. Nicky Brown was his name. He tought me how to have real wars. Wars that involved giant magnifying glasses burning the shit out of the soldiers heads. Wars where weapons of mass detruction were used (ie. petrol or metho melting the bastards into sticky, dirt covered masses). Tanks would have 50 cents worth of toy gun caps shoved into their cabins and be lit with those long, thin, gas BBQ lighters. Fizzzzzzzzzzz pop. No more tanks. The worst thing was that after the first weekend of our friendship we had nothing left to play with. My childhood backyard wars ended with no good guys being triumphant, just molten guys.

Talking about childhood toys, Speak and Spell is back…web stylee. (via funjunkie) Yay, there’ll be no more speeling mistakes on this blog from now on.

It’s all about proportionality

“It’s all about proportionality.” Yep, quote of the year (via a virulent strain of memes).

Hey! Someone in Texas is looking after Iraq’s net needs. I had better watch my language or someone may come over and re-arrange my furniture. Not that you can do much re-arranging with one couch, two rickety chairs, a twenty year old television and a beanbag.

richard.alston@dcita.gov.au Send this man your regards. I did.

Dear Richard,

So, Telstra Corporation gave you a TV. I do hope you invited Lindsay Tanner around for beer and pretzels to watch the World Cup final!

As for the $4 million dollar website (as reported in The Australian - http://australianit.news.com.au/articles/0,7204,6227857%5E15306%5E%5Enbv%5E,00.html), crikey, what were you thinking! I know, I know. It wasn’t your decision to launch a new website. It was the decision of some low-level public employee to waste the equivalent of 100 years of my current wages. As a long term taxpayer of the Commonwealth of Australia, I would like to be certain that you will use my compulsory donations to your department better. Can you give me such assurance?

Yours Citizenly

Anthony Collis

I could have worded it better but I’m pissed.

Come to think of it that’ll be Dick’s excuse as well.

Cunt!

something is everything

Al Jazeera’s english language website is back online after multiple hacker attacks. It’s worth a look for alternative reporting of the current mess.

Collingwood fans are pigs. I’ve said it for a long time but now I know it’s true. Last night I was at a friend’s place in Richmond. His house is very close to the MCG and after a game hundreds of people flood down his street on thier way home or to the pub. Having lived there since birth (35 years) my mate has become resigned to the fact that some people need to pee on their journey from the MCG. Usually a few people pee against his front fence as it has a nice bushy native tree to hide under - it’s nothing that a good hosing won’t fix the next morning. But last night at around 11pm I looked out the front window upon hearing a noise and just 4 metres from me was a hairy bloke in a Collingwood jumper taking a dump in my friend’s front yard. Ewwwww! The dumping magpie was soon sent on his way minus his pants which he had hung in the tree above him. Tsk tsk tsk. I wonder what happened to the poor bloke? (the jumper had a number 5 on the back…I’m putting out an APB for Nathan Buckley as the chief suspect).

mister molester

Pre-wedding jitters have rocked the Northcote share market. The price of second hand blouses has doubled, two minute noodle sales have tripled and the price of platinum has quadrupled, as the groom has finally realised that he is getting married.

gst included

Summer is well and truly gone. Those nice long days have disappeared and dusk is at 6pm now instead of my preferred 9pm. I love the seasons being so distinct in Melbourne though, unlike Brisbane where I grew up. Ahh Queensland, beautiful one day, same the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next…

What’s going on in the world anyway? I haven’t watched the news or bought a newspaper for a week now. It’s kind of good really. Everything I need to know is contained within 20 or so blogs and about 10 news agencies’ websites. Having cable TV at home is a help in a time like this too. For instance, in two weekends time there will be a Seinfeld marathon (all 180 episodes will be screened back to back). Shit ‘eh! It’s not that I don’t care about what’s going on the the middle east, I’m just sick of inaccurate information being rammed into my two ear canals.

A few diversions for you. The “Bless This Defender of Freedom Figurine.” Ahem. And if your eyes aren’t already tired enough from staring at this screen, try a few eye popping illusions. Last but not least (this is a beauty), “Is Hussein Owner of Crashed UFO?”

for whom the bell tolls

We were all supposed to have much more lesuire time in this golden age. All the gadgets we use are supposed to save us time. Take mobile phones for instance. 10 years ago I did my job without one. Now I spend 6-8 hours a month talking on one (at the end of each month I check and then erase the ‘elapsed call time’ thingy). So, tonight I cancelled my mobile phone account. I feel so sorry for the person who inherits 0418 128 747. Admittedly it’s mostly because I wanted to terminate the last remaining Telsra bill coming into my house. I was so attached to that number that I was paying $10 a month just to keep it on air even though I have a ‘company phone.’ Stupid.

Even more stupid…Today I heard someone talking to their boss while they were having a rest in a toilet cubicle. Can you imagine talking shop while taking a dump? Who cares if you speak on a phone while driving. Letting one out of the bomb bay and talking on a phone at the same time should be an offence. Ewwwwww!

Fires, floods, what’s next? The ABC poses an interesting question. How about cane toads falling from the sky and a locust plague. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit.

Big news. God takes back his reputation. “You get what you pay for in this world and God is no different. He doesn’t work for free.”