Archive for September, 2005

Football is dead, long live cricket.

The AFL season has just left us…and 3 days later I am training for my favourite park cricket side. Richmond Union.

To make it clear, I’m not a jock. You know the type. Sport, sport, sport. Everything revolves around sport. Sport is the true meaning of life etc. I’m also not one of those sport fanatics who worships their body. I have a slight belly and love a social drink or 6 and indulge in tobacco use. Mmm, tobacco. I reckon I’ve got the whole yin/yang thing down pat. The good with the bad makes life enjoyable. The badder the bad and the better the good will make everything just dandy.

Nor am I a beer swilling television sportsman. I’d much rather be out there actually experiencing sport in all its stupidness. Cricket is the ultimate sport for me. It’s slow, it doesn’t necessarily have a result after much effort by its participants, it is mentally and physically taxing in its slowness and cricket always supplies anecdotes, myths and legends. Take for instance one of my team mates, who upon getting ready to bat back in 2002, discovered that he had not put underpants on before he left home in his cricket whites. Underpants are needed to hold in place the ‘protector’ (for non-cricket folk a protector protects a man’s genitalia from being struck by the leather cricket ball). He borrowed a car from another team mate, drove to the nearest corner shop and asked the female shop attendant “Have you got any underpants?” She was shocked and her husband who had heard his question picked up an axe handle from behind the counter. My team mate quickly diffused the situation by explaining his predicament. All ended well and he returned to the cricket ground 5 minutes later with a free pair of stockings from the shop owners. The stockings held his protector in tight for his entire innings of 68. When he was dismissed, he saluted us by pulling down his cricket whites on the walk from the middle and mooning us through his sexy black stockings. He became known as ‘Razza’ after that moment (Razzamatazz® being the brand of stocking he wore on that day).

Sport’s good. It keeps you moving. It helps you meet new and crazy people and best of all - it’s pretty cheap compared to all other forms of entertainment. That is, unless your sport of choice involves horses. They’re not cheap. Thank frick cricket doesn’t involve horses. Now there’s an idea

And the winner is…

Another AFL season is over. For those out of the loop - read here.

Yesterday, as usual, a BBQ was in full swing by half-time in the Grand Final. I managed to recycle about 20 cans and process an unknown number of sausages and lamb kebabs by 8pm. Funnily enough, even though there’s now a recycle bin full of empty beer and spirit containers, there was only one vomiting incident amongst the attendees. The cat. He climbed up onto the picnic table outside the back door and hopped into the salt and vinegar chips early on in the day. Of course he couldn’t do his regurgitation outside could he? Instead he did it on the lounge room floor in front of 12 hungry football fans. Good work fella!

That was my last Grand Final BBQ in Melbourne too. Next year it’ll be held somewhere in the inner southern suburbs of Brisbane. It won’t be the same having to cook outside in the sun. For 8 years I’ve become used to cooking on Grand Final day with a warm jacket, umbrella in one hand and tongs in the other hand. The sun is evil. Why am I moving to a place where it’s sunny every bloody day?

Funny and french.

Well. Apart from a very busy week at work that has left me wondering how much longer my body can keep performing manual labour in return for money, I saw Fantômas at The Palace in St. Kilda on Tuesday night. All I can say about it is…what a fucking show! Mike Patton bounced around like a child on sherbet, Buzz Osborne and Trevor Dunn stood still in the middle of the stage and oozed noise while Dave Lombardo drummed like a maniac. The ears are still ringing. If I never get to see another gig for the rest of my life I won’t be too worried.

Eat couch.

Being an extremely keen cricket follower, I am looking forward to England winning The Ashes early tomorrow morning. I don’t know if supporting the opposition of the Australian cricket team is punishable by a one week stint in an ASIO interview room yet, but I’m sure it’s not too far off if recent developments are anything to go by.

Like everything else on this planet, sporting teams are subject to life cycles (except my AFL club - Richmond. It seems to have been on a saline drip for the last 23 years) and there’s nothing better than seeing the demise of a champion team. The cockiness expressed by Ricky Ponting before the 5 test series against England was mind numbing. Back in June he told the world that “I’m not looking at it as me being the first captain to lose the Ashes, I’m looking at it more as being just another Australian captain to retain the Ashes,” and “We’ve gone into every series that we’ve played pretty much over the last 10 years as favourites and have been expecting to win.” The best thing about watching a champion team go south is witnessing the rebuilding of the that team. There’s an absolute shitload of good, young blokes out there playing state cricket who might just get a chance to play at the top level now that the Australian test team will have to be culled of most 30 somethings.

Having said all that there’s no doubting that (just to give an old phrase another burl) cricket is a funny game. Now that I’ve written all this Australia will probably win. Even if they do, I hope AB sees the light and rids Australian cricket of a few men that a getting a wee bit tired.

Say what you mean.

Via a couple of other weblogs comes this little beauty from Snopes.

Grass.

Just when I thought I was about to hit the hay early last night, I stumbled across Grass on SBS television. I haven’t seen it before, despite having had it recommended for viewing several years ago by a few friends of mine who don’t mind the occasional puff. The story it gives on the “struggle” against narcotics/marijuana is nothing I hadn’t known before but it was fantastic to see all the archival footage of political figures like Harry Anslinger and Fiorello La Guardia and of entertainers in the 30s and 40s like Cab Calloway and Gene Krupa. I should’ve been born in my grandads’ eras.

My favourite part of the film was when a police official was giving a filmed interview to a reporter at some stage in the 1950s. The police official was saying how evil, hopeless and dirty all drug users were, ignoring the fact that he was clutching a cigarette and puffing on it with great vigour throughout the entire tirade. Cigarettes weren’t seen as a drug back then though were they?

Intelligence un-designed.

It’s time to drop those physics/biology/chemistry books and read about this pile of shite, Intelligent Design™. Apparently, life is so complex that it could not have possibly evolved from a warm mud pool several billion years ago. If there’s any proof that evolution is a valid theory, just look at the mad christians who espouse this crap. They are strange, ugly, personality-free individuals who would be hard pressed to sexually attract a member of the opposite sex - thus ensuring that the stupid do not procreate.

There’s many other well designed things that I don’t think Intelligent Design™ explains.

Cholera, great design. Malaria, fantastic design. Arteries that clog after eating lovely tasting food, fucking wonderfully designed. Knees that need rebuilding after 32 years of average use, I want a free replacement from the creator but I can’t because I didn’t keep the receipt. My left nostril has a collapsed septum - I was born with it and have breathed out of one nostril for 32 years. Well designed nostril o’master creator you miserable shit. You weren’t concentrating when you poured the mould for my schnoz. Chicken pox, is that a masterfully created affliction or what? Bronchitis, splendid! Arthritis, let us throw a party for the joys of arthritis my almighty creator.

The one question you must ask any proponent of Intelligent Design™ is - Who designed the designer then?

The Profit Motive is Beneficial.

At the beginning of this week I had to apply for an intermission of study at LaTrobe University. I’m not too happy about having to take a break for a while but you see, over the last 4 years afternoon and evening classes have become a rare sight indeed on the timetables. For a working person it is just about impossible to try and re-educate yourself if all the classes are between 9am and 3pm. I know I could apply to a university that specialises in online courses, but I just prefer face to face contact with my lecturers and my fellow students. You can call me old fashioned if you like.

Since I’m moving to Brisbane (from Melbourne) at the end of this year, I was considering filling out a QTAC form and trying to get into UQ or online study at USQ. But then a friend of mine sent me a link to this - The Australian International University - it looks great. I love their slogan too…More Better Education®. Noice.