Archive for March, 2006
B is for Bruce.
My recollections of Bruce are…well…memorable.
The Notting Hill Hotel had an extra drive-thru bottleshop added while I was sucking down bottles of Boags sometime back in early 1998. Some dude drove his Ford ute through the side wall of the beer garden at 50km/h one night. Nobody was hurt. That’s probably because everyone in the beer garden had bodies that were made of jelly at the time - their carbon molecules being held together by large clumps of Boags specially brewed beverages.
Bruce is home to TISM.
B is for Brisbane.
Tradtionally, Brisbane is a safe Labor seat. Out of the last 100 years Brisbane has only been held for 23 years by non-ALP members. It might as well be at the moment too. Arch Bevis is slow off the mark. I now live, shop, drink and sleep in the seat of Brisbane and have received mail from my local council ward holder (a posh looking Liberal party member who looks like she’s just bitten into a lemon) and my local conservative state government candidates. I’ve yet to receive even a postcard from old Archibald.
HEY ARCH! WAKE UP! DO YOU WANT ME TO VOTE FOR YOU?
There’s no point. Arch Bevis is currently in talks with MTV about providing voiceovers for the upcoming animated film, Bevis and Butthead try to find something to do in Brisbane.
Chief money earning activities in Brisbane are providing alcohol for me, providing Asian and Turkish cuisine for my consumption and asking me for “20 cents so I can catch the train home to Goodna“.
B is for Brand.
Big Kim Beazley, the leader of the opposition sits in the seat of Brand.
That’s all he does. Sit.
He says nothing unless he is poked with a rather hot metal rod. The rod is most commonly held by journalists with print outs of telephone polling results.
B is for Bradfield.
Bradfield has a member called Brendan Nelson, a member of the Liberal Party. He is a true member. A member head. A member brain and a member wit. The electorate’s voters also seem to think with their members and memberettes. This can be deduced by the fact that they place the fortunes of their seat in the hands of Mr. Nelson.
Mr. Nelson is known to have the porcelain touch. This is because each portfolio he touches turns to shit. He speaks slowly, in measured phrases and publicly displays the world’s worst comb-back hairstyle.
B is for Braddon.
Braddon is a seat based in the north west of Tasmania. Along with the seat of Bass, Braddon fought the State of Victoria in the ‘two day war‘ of 1903 for the possession of the islands in the north of the electorate. The biggest of the islands, King Island, has turned out to be an incredible money earner for the seat with ample production of chicken cheese, made from the freshly squeezed milk of heavily pregnant hens. Chicken cheese comprises 60% of the seat’s economic earnings with paper production and wood farms being the other earners.
Famous people from the seat of Braddon include Matthew Richardson (from the town of Penguin), a famed Richmond FC player. Also, the incredible Lord Roger (who rogered non-stop for 72 hours in the late 19th century) once graced the cobblestones of this electorate. His bloodline can be found in approximately 71% of Tasmania’s population.
B is for Bowman.
Bowman is very close to being Australia’s slack arse homeland.
Located in Brisbane’s outer south eastern suburbs, Bowman is full of a new breed of Australian. Minimum wage earning conservative voters. The word irony means nothing to this electorate. They think irony is something blacksmiths do for a living. They also think plumbers grow plums for a living.
At least 40% of the popualation are Labor voters, though nobody will admit to voting for Labor. This Labor voting community is discriminated against severely and is confined to an area known as the ‘People’s Republic of Capalaba’.
The electorate’s favourite TV shows are Dancing With The Stars, Better Homes and Gardens and Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.
B is for Boothby.
Boothby is a seat based in southern Adelaide.
It’s main activity is nursing homes.
B is for Bonner.
Bonner. Neville Bonner (1922-1999). I have fond memories watching the television news as a child and admiring Nifty Nev and his shock of white hair, it was a great pity that he was a Liberal though. This famous Australian senator now has a federal seat named after him.
Bonner is a new seat and takes in Brisbane’s outer eastern bayside suburbs as well as traditionally Labor voting suburbs like Mount Gravatt, Wishart and Rochedale. It is with great surprise that this seat is held by a Liberal. Con Sciacca (ALP) lost the seat at the last election with a suburban backlash in outer Brisbane against public displays of outrageous spectacle frames. Con loved wacky frames.
Chief economic activities in Bonner are building a bigger house than the neighbours, buying stainless steel household appliances, aspirational voting and waiting in queues at drive-thrus.
B is for Blaxland.
Blaxland is officially the stupidest electorate in Australia. With an informal vote of 10.4% at the 2004 federal election, the voters here eclipse the seat of Banks in their lack of understanding of how to write 1,2,3,4 and 5 next to people’s names. I mean, how fucking hard is voting? Insiders tell me that most of the informal votes were in fact caused by people drawing an extra box on their ballot paper and writing Paul Keating’s name next to it (for those that aren’t aware, Paul Keating held the seat of Blaxland for 27 years from 1969 until 1996 - Keating now farms pigs and sails wooden yachts while drinking french wine).
The chief economic activities in Blaxland are petty crime, car theft, credit card fraud and tow truck driving.
B is for Blair.
The electorate of Blair is named after Harold Blair, an internationally famed tenor and Aboriginal activist. There are also spurious claims that the seat is named after Tim Blair, self procliamed Australian journalist/blogger of the century and a keen blower of his own trumpet.
Blair is famous for peanuts, power stations, large scale marijuana farming, high levels of Ford F-100 ownership and its internationally renowned right-wing militia training facilities. Oh, and I almost forgot. Should you ever visit the seat of Blair, make sure you visit Kilcoy just to get a picture of the Yowie!
B is for Berowra.
Berowra is a pretty seat. Very pretty. All the residents are pretty too.
Boganism was outlawed in 1985, thus spirit-in-a-can drinks have never been seen in this seat and flanelette shirts are strictly prohibited.
It is moderately conservative and usually drunk on homemade red wine as a result of 84.4% of residents having a hobby farm…growing grapes. Not only does the red wine lower their cholesterol, but it helps lower their tax bill at the end of each financial year. That explains why they’re pretty too. Alcohol preserves old things and the average age of Berowra is 87 for women and 81 for men.
B is for Bennelong.
Bennelong is the Prime Minister’s seat.
Life in this seat is pretty peachy. All constituants drive around in FJ Holdens and Morris Minors and have pacific islander slaves in their homes. It is compulsory to wave and yell an enthusiastic ‘hello‘ each time you pass another human being in the street and barber shops still have red and white stripey poles outside their doors. Also, when you fill up your vehicle with fuel in Bennelong you will be surprised to notice that attendants check your oil, wipe your windscreen and pump the petrol for you.
For some reason Bennelong is firmly entrenched in sometime back in the early 1950s, back when men were men, children got belted and women just kept quiet and cooked dinner.
I forgot to add that nobody from Bennelong has ever been caught out lying.