Archive for January, 2007

Sweat for breakfast.

After a very cool start to the summer over the last 2 months, Brisbane has ramped up the sweaty arse-crack weather for late January. Nokia’s phones are pretty reliable in most respects and the temperature reading on my 5140 at 530am this morning was 27º (80ºF for non-metrics). Now THAT’S sweaty bum-crack weather if I’ve ever felt it.
Only ten minutes after I awoke I found myself leaning forward over my breakfast cereal while sitting at the kitchen table. 3 or 4 drops of sweat dripped off my forehead and into my breakfast bowl. This minute example of water recycling didn’t put me off my food, it just made me realise that today was going to be a slow day. I made it move slowly. I think I am finally acclimatising to Brisbane’s attitude towards life in warm weather. When hot, go slow.

Burn that flag.

The Big Day Out organisers have recently come under fire for restricting the use (not banning) of the Australian national flag at the Sydney concert.

All I can add to the already ridiculous amount of press this story has received is…

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE A FLAG TO AN ALL DAY OUTDOOR MUSIC SPECTACULAR? TAKE DRUGS INTO THE PLACE. ECSTACY, ACID, CRACK, POT OR ICE. WHO CARES? TAKE LARGE BOTTLES OF STRONG SPIRITS SHOVED DOWN YOUR TROUSERS AND MIX THEM WITH OVERPRICED COKE. TAKE YOUR GIRL/BOYFRIEND. TAKE YOUR GIRL/BOYFRIEND’S BEST FRIEND. DON’T TAKE A FLAG!

I must be getting old or something. The idea of taking my national flag to a day that I’d rather watch musicians at (and get trashed) seems strange. Generation Y has a bizarre nationalistic streak to it.

If I were the religious kind.

If I were religious, and thank the lord I’m not, I would recite this prayer nightly…

Dear holy father,

Please let supermarkets in Brisbane open later than 6pm on on Sunday night. I hate it when I run out of broccoli and you know how much I love broccoli. And while you’re at it please, with your powers, make stores selling alcoholic beverages stay open later than 6pm on a Sunday night too. A man is not a camel. I’ve read all about people wandering through the desert for 40 days, well I’m 4km from the heart of a capital city and can’t find a simple can of rum and coke or a loose stubbie in a liquor store cool-cabinet looking for a home.

And while we’re at it lord, how about giving somebody the will to supply a service called Dial-a-Hangi. They can dig up my backyard and cook meat and vegetables under hot rocks and coals, all for the low price of $129.95 plus drinks.

I know all I pray for these days is food and drink dear lord, but just fucking make it easier to eat and drink in this town for god’s sake.

Back-up big boy.

It was one of those times where you just need to bury your head deep in something. A cushion, a bucket of water or a wheel barrow full of concrete. I always tell my good lady to back up her valuable files. Her university assignments, work matters, financial records and important personal business. If only I took my own advice.

During the week I lost a fair bit of crucial information because I was too lazy (over the last 2 months) too make back-up copies of vital financial and personal information. It’s not that important, I mean, I’m not going to die or file for bankruptcy or anything but I now have to reconstruct oodles of spreadsheets and enter the world of creative accounting. Actually, the professionals call it ‘forensic accounting’ I do believe. Creating something out of nothing. Should be fun. So, armed with a shitload of rewritable CDs and a new memory stick thingy, I am going to become a back-up nazi.

Driving lessons for the masses.

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the sheer number of drivers on the road who lack the ability to guide a motor vehicle along a road in such a manner as to not inconvenience other drivers. It’s pretty bloody simple isn’t it. Use an indicator when changing position on a road, keep left as much as possible and give way to the right (I’m in Australia before any of you furriners start making rude comments).

Many Brisbane drivers are still in country town mode, where it is acceptable to not give a fuck about other motorists mainly because there’s no one else on the road to annoy. And I swear that most Brisbanites DO NOT know what the hell to do on a freeway. They weave, speed, do 20kmph under the speed limit in the fast lane and strap mattresses, dogs, suitcases and tree branches to the tops of their cars. Invariably they lose their cargo, as can be proven by the amount of household refuse on the side of the Pacific Motorway.

Having driven in Denmark, the UK, Ireland, France and other states of Australia - Brisbane takes the cake for the most meat-headed drivers. Most have the road sense of a 16 year old Black Labrador and the reaction time of modern day Mohammed Ali (sorry, that was a little bit rough - talking about a Black Lab like that).

Yappy New Hear.

For the first time in about 17 years I got myself out of bed on the first day of a new year without a hangover. With crap all on TV today I do wish I got drunk last night - mainly because Lawrence of Arabia is on this afternoon and I’ve never watched it. 4½ hours is a wee bit too long for me to camp in front of the television unless there’s a game of cricket or a hangover to nurse.

Twenty O Seven ‘eh. Now we’ve all got to get used to putting ‘07 on cheques, dated signatures and the like. It always takes me until March to adjust to a new year’s number and until mid-February to get over the sheer number of ‘best of the year’ lists that pop out on blogs and media websites. Argh!

Anyway, speaking of lists, I’m two weeks into having cable internet for the first time so the rest of the day will be spent hunting down old american propoganda films. The Internet archive has a plethora and most are an absolute laugh-a-minute. My favourites :

• Operation Cue - testing atomic bombs on houses, bomb shelters, power poles, canned food and mannequins.
• Are you popular? - Advice for young ladies and men about how to court the opposite sex.
• Reefer Madness - Everyone must download this. It’s one of the first anti-marijuana films.
• Destination Earth - A film promoting the oil business using cartoon characters from Mars. Produced by the American Petroleum Institute.
• Frontiers of the Future - By far the best old film ever made. The US’s National Indusrial Council made this film in the late 1930s to reassure the populace that living standards would get better.

Have fun watching these if you have the time.